I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?