I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Did I do this right
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend