the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?