The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now