Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*