One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.