@darinlovesbacon: I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast
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@MatCro: [meeting] BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan ME: Perhapselline? MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline? B: You're incredible, Gary
@platinum2000: If you're suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
@Xalqee: You know you're an Alcoholic when you can't even say the word "sober" without making air quotes
@just1fool: To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.