@darinlovesbacon: I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast
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@EndhooS: A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"
@Shelts99: I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts. As you were.
@Eightinchgoat: My neighbor seriously just asked me, "Does Canada have 4th of July?" I said "No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh? I need to move.
@MamanyaDana: That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit