@GetCougarized: I'm not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I'm the one your Father highly recommended.
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: what’s going on? ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
@fro_vo: [on a date] Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
@GaryJanetti: Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That's like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.
@amydillon: Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.