I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime