Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
A friend sent me this.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal