I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
@funTweeters I am at your service….
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING