I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.