I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
BRAKING NEWS!!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell