I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.