People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Kids: Stay in school.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.