“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”