Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.