I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Solving a traffic jam
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
dude it’s called proctologist
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.