*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
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The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]