I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
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Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Not today
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop