I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
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Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
the dark web is just a goth google.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Strangers have the best candy.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Saw online –