“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*