Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
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*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”