Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.