Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Saturday
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?