Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk