I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.