I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
You Might Also Like
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.