I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.