I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*