If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Day 2 of my diet
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.