I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*