I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet