I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
incredible book dedication
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*