@NakedHangover: I'm not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I'm pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
@Jake_Vig: [visit to zoo] See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
@mjkspeaks: God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
@bornmiserable: [me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don't have a favorite really