I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.