Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
not for long
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators