Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
You Might Also Like
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.