I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
me and my fake scenarios
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit