Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
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Not messing around
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.