Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.