@Jandalize: I'm not saying I don't like you, but if you had an open wound I'd hand you a salt shaker.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@jazmasta: Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.
@tuckerflodman: Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I'm Pudding you in Custardy! "Ugh, well isn't this just Flantastic."
@JennyPentland: 10yo: When in doubt, albatrout. Me: What the hell is albatrout? That's not real. 10yo: Now you're in doubt! Me: But… 10yo: ALBATROUT
@davidkenny100: Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs Later Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?