Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
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If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.