I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Friends that check up on you >
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago