I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Whisper out to librarians!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*