I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.