I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.