@lm_GrumpyCat: I'm not saying I hate you, I'm just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.
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@bobvulfov: sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight after two beers: it's time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
@cupcakelynda: A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they're my age then I find out they're OLD!! Like, THIRTY!! So I killed her.
@rockymomax: [first date] -so how do you feel about octopus? Her: I like em -Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]