I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.