I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”