[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
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*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.