A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians